Shame has a name.

As I sat with the Lord this morning I found it really hard to want to be there. My mind endlessly wondering off to other places escaping the presence of my Father. Thoughts of anything and everything that didn't pertain to the emotion I was truly feeling inside.

Turning about and tossing around. Jumping up to grab the thing I didn't really even need to be thinking about.

As I sank and wrestled with all the meaningless things I was thinking about; gently, the Lord said "tell me it all". As I began weeping I realized it was all important to Him. The friendships, the boys, the church, my job, my schooling, my family; all of it.

Some trivial in circumstance, but important to my sheep-like mind. So, timidly and shamefully I started to share everything. Then, in finally saying it all out loud to the one who already knows it all, I found it led me to a much deeper place of surrender. Surrender that doesn't make me feel small, but somehow makes me feel held and comforted. This morning and many mornings this week my mind had forgotten His care for me. My mind had forgotten His love for me.

I said to Him "I'm so ashamed of who I am, and I feel as though I am the worst person to ever live."

My Father's response, "No my darling, you are the most beautiful creation I have ever started."

My friends, shame has a name, and her name is fear. Fear that we will never truly be loved when we know how broken we are. Fear that this time it was too much. Fear that this was the last straw of disobedience that the Lord would accept.

But somehow, and for some reason I will never know, we have always been loved and held by the one God that is holy, powerful, mighty, and author of all creation.

The one God who deserves our best at all times, and yet loves me even when all I have to offer Him is my worst.

Yesterday, Dr. Tim Robinson spoke on Luke 15. The story of the prodigal son. I was reminded that this story wasn't just me, but it is me. Constantly shifting between the youngest son and the oldest son. Running far from God to seek the pleasures of this world; to staying close as I earn my way into a house I fear I never will be able to walk into.

Then finally as I hit my bottom I come shame bound ready to be a slave. But my Father lavishes me with fine linen and a spirit of love and acceptance. A Spirit that changes me from a life of fear to a life of rest.

Shame has a name and my God gives a new name; beautiful son and beautiful daughter of God. Welcome home.