God, Why Do You Love Me?

Flashback to five years ago, I arrived at my friend and mentor's house. That day I was completely devastated to the very core of my soul because of the deep awakening to the depth of my sin and failure. Entering in, I went along with the conversation of laughter and joy, doing my best to plaster on the columns of white across my face, where previously a smile might have been found. Behind the plastered column was a pain and a grief that I couldn't shake. A pain that sank into my stomach and screamed the continuous cry of Christ's blood being shed for me. A whisper once laced with joy now turned to a shrill corrupted grief so overwhelming it began to harden my heart. As the night progressed we walked our way to her prayer room and began to soak in the presence of Jesus. Singing hymns of praise and spirit led worship that has always brought my soul comfort. Yet, this night I was also met with questions of fear that wrestled with the sound mind my God sought to gift me. As we sat, One of the ladies present suggested that we should pray for one another individually and so we did. And as the time came for myself to sit in the hot seat, I remember hearing words of affirmation and encouragement. Words that spoke life and truth about the love God bestowed upon me and the good and perfect plans He had set before me. Which left me with the realization that this indeed was true and my God did in fact love me. Only this recognition of love didn't lead me to freedom, but rather the words that escaped from the gate of my heart were,

God, why do you love me?

To which He responded "I do because I am. I am Love."

Words I wish I could say brought me comfort but truthfully only brought me to a place of confusion and discomfort. Was this because I didn't know it was true? No, I certainly knew it was true, so, what was it?

Five years y'all. Five years I sought the answer to this question. Five years I strived to earn this love I did not understand. Five years I spent feeling like a failure because I knew I could never earn a kind of love so pure. Five years in a life committed to hardening my heart to true love because I couldn't believe I could or would ever deserve it. Five years replaying the fear filled question, God, why do you love me?

Five years where anger became my confidant and depression became my resting place. Anger at a world so broken and fallible, anger at those not living a righteous life and speaking as if they were, anger that was placed most with myself. Anger because I believed I was a fraud walking in a flesh that merely mimicked the life of someone else more worthy of the love that held me. Anger that at times led me to believe that maybe it was time to walk away, maybe it was time to just do what I wanted, maybe it was time to just display the person of sin that truly lived within me. Seeking love that proved and displayed my imperfection because my imperfection was all I really knew. Imperfection that demanded I earn every bit of love and denied every speck that washed over me with grace. Screaming "YOU DON'T DESERVE LOVE."

But even still, when my mind was quiet enough, there sat a still small voice that said,

"I do because I am. I am Love."

"So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him." 1 John 4:16 ESV

My life has been one marked by tender care, a listening ear, a helpful hand, and a gracious and merciful heart. So likely, everyone has always assumed of me to be a person who displays love well and deeply, but the truth is I haven't. I haven't loved people well, I haven't loved myself well, and I certainly haven't loved God well. Do not hear my words to be meek or timid in my giftings because I know these to be gifts from the Lord, but these giftings were pursued from selfish deceit and shame driven motives. The very core of the truth in my life is I have failed to love and all my life I have spent trying to make up for this failure. Attempting to earn what was never meant to be earned. Because all my life I never learned to let the Lord love me.

My heart once ago was soft and tender, but with time it froze over with ice. Ice suitable for a quick skate, but quickly induced fear as it began to melt and break, exposing the cold dark water just underneath. A breaking that causes all to flee, leaving the pieces of my softening heart, alone in the cold left only to freeze back over thicker and stronger than before.

The truth is I do not blame anyone for leaving. Blaming one for leaving a heart that refuses to receive love is the same as blaming one for not staying to try and prevent a frozen river from not breaking apart.

Common sense realizes the danger of staying near.

So, if I can not blame people for leaving, whom shall I blame? Myself?

It has certainly been easy to do so for many years of my life, but this is not where the Lord leaves me. This is not where the Lord leaves you. Again, here He comes in a still small voice, saying,

"I do because I am. I am Love."

"So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him." 1 John 4:16 ESV

For the first time in my life I don't just know this to be true, but I believe it is true. I believe He is love and when one is simply love He can not offer anything less than the free gift that comes with the warmth of the sun. So, just as my heart began to melt and crack apart at the fractured love in this world, much more has it done so with the pure and true love of God. Only this time it hasn't frozen back over. This time I sat in the numbing cold just long enough to finally feel the tingling warmth embedded with God.

His smile alone holds the sun and that causes my dark cold water to become warm to the touch. Waiting, and receiving, as He ventures to the depths to mend, repair, and reconcile every misaligned thought, every stitched up wound, and every cold empty tomb, with a new view of life in abundance with and through Him.

So, I guess the point of love, and life, was never about me. Rather, it was and always will be about Him; the One who gave it all, not because He had to, but because He wanted to. Not just because He's a powerful God making up for our desolate sinful decisions, but because from the very beginning it was His heart that desired to be near to me, to you, to all of us.

Softly speaking through the breeze of the wind, the smile of a friend, the tears of a broken heart, and a still quiet voice saying...

"I do because I am. I am Love."