Faithfully Yours

This year I started a program called Steps.

Steps is a Gospel centered recovery program that was based off of Alcohols Anonymous. Matt Chandler and Michael Snetzer took this program and made it into something that leads our hearts back to the only one who can truly set us free. A twelve week program that may not solve all your problems, but rather a process that begins to teach you how to uncover your sin and pain one layer at a time.

When I joined I wasn't quite sure why I was doing it. Really all I knew was the Lord was leading me to it. It didn't make sense because I wasn't addicted to any item or thing. I'm not a drug addict or a sex addict or even a food addict (mostly), but what I am is an addict to deception. Deception that has continuously led me to lose who I am so maybe I could prove I was enough for everyone else. An addiction or if you wanna keep it soft, a faulty thinking, has not looked like glazed eyes and frail bones. Rather, it has looked like bright smiles and submissive acts. Drugs or appearance, doesn't seem to make a difference to me now because they both lead to the same place. A place that causes pain and suffering for ourselves and the ones we love. A place filled with the same lies that we are not enough and will never be enough.

This has been challenging, grief filled, life giving, and hope filled. Easy is not a word I would mark this process with, and maybe it sounds crazy to dig up the past and have to relive it. Maybe it sounds crazy to step into a process that is seemingly useless unless you have an "extreme" addiction. And maybe it is crazy and if it is then crazy has never felt more free.

Most often my sanity has come by the numbness to the pain, but eventually every anaesthetic wears off. Then the pain persists, turns crippling, and takes us to the same place of darkness filled with unbearable lies. Lies that keep us in the chains saying life will never be good enough. Saying you will never be good enough. So, if this is the result of sanity then I will take the crazy every day I can. The kind of crazy that stands to look into the face of my fears and chooses to take Christ's hand instead of my own.

I'm thankful for steps because It's gifted me a sweet friend and mentor, and a group of ladies that walk in the crazy with me. The crazy that doesn't allow me to hide in the dark because I'm surrounded by the strength of God's people that are seeking to bring the light, the light which is our hope in Jesus.

The light that has gifted me the ability to confront that I didn't actually know who I was because I long ago decided I didn't like who He made to be. The light that reminds me He made me as I am and loves all that He made me to be. And the funny thing is I kind of really like this woman because this woman really loves her King.

Cheers to the process that Steps has brought me through.

I'll leave you with a poem prompt we were guided to write. (Thanks Leslie<3)

I am Faithfully Yours.

I wonder what it will be like to meet you

I hear angels singing

I see your bright and shining face

I want all of who You are

I am Faithfully Yours.

I pretend I don't need anything

I feel empty without you

I touch your gentle hand

I worry I'm not enough for you

I cry because everything feels so broken

I am Faithfully Yours.

I understand you are more than enough for me

I say I put my faith in you

I dream about running into your arms

I try to cling to your love

I hope for the day I meet you face to face

I am Faithfully Yours.

You are Faithfully mine.

Merry Christmas my friends❤️

A holiday to remember the King of Kings. To remember it's never to late and you're never too far to find freedom in and with a God who humbled Himself to meet us here on earth.